The Blog About Nothing

I worked at the mall for a few years. I realized there were a lot of strange people. This post is about the different type of people in malls.

The Seasoned Vet 29 Year Old –

Age 16 – First job, he’s excited as ever that he’s making $5 an hour.

Age 18 – Graduated high school, ready to attend college, needs a part-time job to pay for books and other school essentials.

Age 23 – Graduating College and he still has the glimmering hopes and dreams of a horny adolescent boy.  Working at the mall until he starts making that ‘big boy’ money in the ‘real world’.

Age 26 – “I got a job interview with Booz Allen Hamilton; I think this is the one!” Blames the recession for his misfortune.

Age 29 – Finally accepts reality that he will be working at the mall for the rest of his life. “You know what, I’d rather work here than anywhere else.” Yah, RIIIIIGHT.

The Indian – This guy comes in with his family pretending he’s gonna buy that $70 shirt and then proceeds to ask if he can use your employee discount. Look douchebag, maybe in the Bazaars of India you can haggle and barter your pet goat for the employee discount but here in the West, this is called being annoying. Stop asking me for my discount, I don’t know you, I don’t care to know you, you need to shave your 1970s pornstar moustache and you smell like paprika, so no I won’t be letting you use my discount.

The GameStop Virgins – These guys take out their frustration of not getting laid by acting like you’re some retard because you simply asked when the new Madden is coming out. “Ugh, August 20^th”. I personally think they’re the most obnoxious people in the mall. They look down on people for not knowing the release date of a certain game, god forbid they were Oxford Scholars or something and you asked them why Henry III was important.  

The Hispanic – This guy comes in speaking better English than Winston Churchill’s great grandnephew and still proceeds to ask if I speak Spanish. You speak perfect English; why in the hell do you need to talk in Spanish? What is your reason for this? This would happen to me frequently so me and my co-workers would just be like “no, I don’t but that guy does” and point to a co-worker who doesn’t speak a lick of Spanish. He’d go to them and start speaking in Spanish and my co-worker would say I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH! Yup, I’m a prick…

Women in any clothing store - I worked in a clothing store and when a man would come in, he KNEW what he wanted. If he wanted a pair of black socks, he’d ask where the black socks are and pick one out in a matter of 3 seconds and buy it. Women would come in the store try on every single shirt, pants, socks, bra, etc. and NOT buy a single one.

Food Court Asians – They’re the people screaming in the top of their lungs for you to ‘try sampa, TRY SAMPA’ as you ignore them like you ignore the homeless people begging for change on the street. The worst part is when you decide to buy food from these establishments, they’re still yelling at you to ‘try sampa’.

The Holiday Season Israeli – It’s always some attractive 20 year old girl fresh out of Israel standing at the Kiosk. You’re just walking along and they say ‘hey, let me ask you something’. I use to be stupid enough to actually stop by and see what was going on. Then they ask if I’ve heard of their product and when I say I’m not interested they somehow call out my manhood. ‘What kind of girl would be interested in a loser who doesn’t buy this product?’ They’re usually selling some bullshit ‘dead sea salt’. I don’t know what in the hell ‘dead sea salt’ and I’m not interested in finding out either. They make it sound as if this salt is the most amazing thing in the world. Why are you selling this during the holiday season anyway? If someone gave me ‘dead sea salt’ for Christmas, my birthday or for any other occasion, I’m gonna pretend like I enjoyed their thoughtful gift and wait….I’ll wait until the next time I see them and throw some salt in their eye and blind the son of a bitch for thinking of such a lousy gift. ‘Dead sea salt’ is by far the worst gift in the history of the world. I’d rather receive no gift than the following list:

Rank of Worst Gifts

1.       Dead Sea Salt

2.       A Sweater

3.       A Gift card to Bed, Bath & Beyond

4.       A snow globe with the name of a country I’ve never been to

5.       Tools

Shady Middle Eastern Salesman – I never buy anything from these bastards unless I really have to. These guys can convince anyone into buying anything. When I go into a store, I always look for the white guy, black guy, Asian guy, or whoever before these guys. Is it racist? No, it’s smart.

Mall Cop – At the mall I use to work at, they did not have security guards; they had actual police officers working at the mall. This must be so degrading for these guys. Imagine wanting to be a cop your entire life and you’re sent to work at the mall. Years of police academy training is paying off while you crack down on those young 15 year old shop lifters.

Loss Prevention Pervs – I feel like these creeps are just watching every girl through their ‘surveillance’ cameras. I’ve known a few guys who’ve worked Loss Prevention and they all have stories about how many girls they’ve looked at, but very few stories of how many criminals they’ve arrested. Sorry ladies but whenever you walk into a department store, you’re being watched…

The Housewives – They’re always at the mall with their baby in a stroller while husband is at work. These are usually the women who are yelling at their kids for no apparent reason. It’s like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and you don’t want to be near it when it does. Usually, it’s the poor husband who feels the wrath when he comes home from a long day’s work and gets bitched at for something he did 7 months ago. Working in the mall for so many years, I realized the one bathroom to use was the ‘family’ bathrooms. I’d always get a dirty look from the housewives whenever I’d exit out of one of them alone. Have you ever been to a Men’s bathroom? Probably not, so don’t judge me when I want to use a clean one.

The Mall Rats – They’re usually between the ages of 13-17 and have nothing better to do. Kids in the suburbs have nothing to do expect hang out in malls or hang outside of movie theaters. They all have Justin Bieber haircuts, ripped pants and some sort of ‘chain’ hanging out of some part of their body.

The Picker Upper – This guy goes to the mall to pick up women, little does he know that unless the woman is 16, she’s probably not going to the mall to get hit on. There’s one thing every woman loves more than anything in the entire world, it’s called shopping.

The Salon Receptionist – All the dirty Picker Uppers hit on her as if somehow she is gonna fall for their perverse tactics. What kind of guy goes to the mall to look for women? News Flash Pricks, that’s what bars are for. A woman isn’t coming to the mall to get hit on by a bunch of morons. She’s there to try to shop. The Salon Receptionist isn’t smiling at your corny pickup lines because she likes them; she’s smiling at your corny pickup lines because she isn’t allowed to tell a potential customer to ‘FUCK OFF’.

The Art Dealer – This poor shmuck decided to open an Art and Frame store in the mall. Nobody goes into these stores. Who the drives to the mall to check out the new paintings in the Art and Frame store? Nobody. These stores are so out of mind that you can be standing right in front of it and someone can ask you if you know where the Art and Frame store is and your reply would be ‘what the hell is an Art and Frame store?’

Foot Locker Wigger – He hails from the mean streets of your local suburb but claims he’s from New York. This guy thinks he’s ‘hardcore’ because he listens to Lil Wayne and has 4 black friends. You’re selling me shoes asshole not cocaine stop acting like you’re Frank Lucas’ stepson. You’re not thug asshole, the most thug thing you’d done in your life while sitting in your $600,000 house is watching a Tupac rap video.

The Waiter – This guy waits outside the mall on days like Black Friday, Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, Memorial Day or whatever the hell day to get $3 off a DVD player. It’s your only day off in the last month and you’re not spending it with your family but instead you’re spending it at a mall with other morons. If your kid really wants that new toy and it’s sold out, don’t waste your time pampering him and telling him that you’re sorry, and just say they didn’t have it. If he cries and can’t accept the fact that the world doesn’t revolve around a 10 year old then you know you’ve successfully raised a pussy.

Trix Rabbit – I feel like this guy got the raw end of the deal. He’s clearly an addict and his addiction is Trix cereal. Why he chose this particular brand of cereal is beyond me. He’s the damn spokesman for the brand and a bunch of snot nosed kids are constantly telling him “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids”. If I have a son and he pulls this line on me when I’m trying to eat some Trix, I am going to bide my time and wait. I’ll wait until I catch him watching porn and go up to him and be like ‘Silly son, porn is for adults.’

Tony The Tiger – That bastard Tony the Tiger was constantly hooting and hollering about how ‘Great’ Frosted Flakes were. I think his spy ass was under contract when he lied to us about Frosted Flakes being ‘Greaaaaaaat!!’ Great? Really Tony? GREAT?! Good, maybe. But I personally think ‘great’ seems greatly exaggerated.  Don’t you think?

Cap’n Crunch – I really liked Cap’n until I realized how much of a joke he really is. This bastard is a sea captain so that means he’s probably at sea for months or even years surround by a bunch of other horny sailors. He’s had all this time to think of the perfect pick up line and the best he could come up with is ‘you and the Cap’n can make it hap’n’? That’s the best you could do Cap? COME ON MAN! You think this would work at a bar? Imagine, a guy with a blue suit telling a girl ‘you and the Cap’n can make it hap’n’. This isn’t gonna work.

Wendell – You’re probably thinking who the hell Wendell is. Wendell is that creepy old man in the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box. This son of a bitch lures poor unsuspecting children with his old man looks and delicious cereal. I’m on to you Wendell. He looks like an evil scientist who does experiments on children using dairy products and a hint of cinnamon.

Chester Cheetah – Chester went from being super cool to super creepy. I’d be terrified if I was trapped in a room with this guy. Not because he’s a Cheetah but because he’s a creep. He’s sneaking up behind unsuspecting potheads in these commercials, they should ban him. On the creepy note, what’s with these companies making all their mascots creepy? First, the Burger King and now Chester? Who are they going to make creepy next? Ronald McDonald? Oh wait…

Snap, Crackle and Pop – Or better known as Cric! Crac! Croc! in French. I feel like these idiots are related to those annoying Keebler Elves. The only good thing that came from these crackheads is those wonderful Rice Krispie Treats. Who came up with Elves anyway? Was the marketing department of Kellogg’s sitting around in their board meeting and thinking a bunch of tiny elves would be GREAT for selling rice treats? If you’re going to make mythical creatures your mascot, why not 3 Chinese midgets with Fu Manchus, wouldn’t that be better?

It’s the holiday season and I’m sure everyone is scrambling to buy a gift for a loved one. Every time, I see these commercials advertising gifts, you see the woman getting a 24 karat diamond ring and what does the guy get? We get a damn toolbox. What is this? What am I gonna do with a damn toolbox?

I am not Bob the Builder. Men like tools and paint. Who came up with this lie? This has to rank as one of the greatest lies in the history of the world. ‘Gee, thanks babe! This is the exact paint color I was looking for!’ What am I gonna do with paint? Paint my house? I don’t want to paint my house. Guys don’t care what color their houses are. You know who DOES care? Women, that’s who cares. Women buy us paint and tools and we as men are so dumb we fall for it. Seriously, I don’t even know what color my room is and IM SITTING IN IT RIGHT NOW!

 It sucks because you know women came up with the whole diamond ring thing. ‘You have to buy us a diamond ring and if you don’t we won’t be with you.’ I told a girl once that I’d never buy a diamond ring because it’s just a bunch of rich assholes exploiting poor local third world populations. Needless to say, she dumped my ass. Now, I’m a lying asshole exploiting poor girls into thinking one day I’ll buy them a diamond ring. I’m more than certain women came up with this lie about men liking tools. “Buy dad that new shovel he’s been wanting this Christmas!” I highly doubt Dad wants a shovel as his Christmas gift. Why not buy dad that new 60’’ TV? Oh, that’s right because then he won’t be fixing the roof on his day off and he’ll be watching Football on his new 60’’ TV.

I am not a carpenter. I do not know how to fix your unhinged door. In fact, I don’t even know what an unhinged door is. My door is probably unhinged RIGHT NOW. Do I care? Nope, because I have no idea what it is. So, that screwdriver you just bought me isn’t gonna do me any good because I don’t know what to do with it. How do I fix my unhinged doors? I hire someone ‘my door is unhinged, fix it, I’ll pay you’.

I am a hero.

I may not have superpowers other than my great powers of writing really entertaining blogs about my useless observations but I did save a man’s life. It was three weeks ago and I saw a man choking. Being the great guy I am, I went and started performing the Heimlich maneuver on him. I assumed I would do a thrust and all of a sudden whatever that was stuck in his throat would shoot across the room. That did not happen..

Thrust #1 – A lot of fluid came out of his mouth, rather disgusting. So, I asked him, ‘can you breathe now?’ He shook his head indicating ‘no’.

Thrust #2 – The piece of meat came out of his mouth. He started breathing and gasping for air like how I assume Pinocchio’s father did when he escaped that man eating whale.

The ambulance came and took him away. I did not hear from him until today. He came and told me how thankful he was that I saved his life. I couldn’t help but thinking how many times he must have cranked up Enrique Iglesias’ song ‘Hero’ and just laid back and thought of the day I was his hero. He offered me a reward for my heroic efforts. Like the humble man I am, I did not take it and told him I would do it again if I could.

Then I felt bad, I was like this poor guy went out of his way to buy me a gift and I turned it down. This is like if I was to meet my own hero Tom Brady and ask to take a picture with him and he turns me down. I’d be devastated…

I told my friend the story and he pointed out how in ancient times instead of gift cards, men would offer their daughters as a reward. ‘I bet your ass wouldn’t be pulling the no reward card then’. This is true; I picked the wrong age to be a hero, if I was living in King Arthur’s time, I would be saving people left and right. I’d probably hire bandits to kidnap the hot village girl’s father and then swoop in and save the day. I’d get the recognition and the girl. A rare win-win scenario.

In all seriousness, whatever happened to helping people because it’s the right thing to do? I helped an old lady with her groceries one day and she pulled out money to give me. I was offended; I was like ‘really, you think this is some scheme I have? I go around and help unsuspected old hags to get a $10 dollar reward?’

Yup, I am a hero.

I haven’t wrote one of these in two years. I personally don’t find this one funny.. oh well

How is this guy charming? Dictionary.com defines charming as “1. a man who embodies a woman’s romantic ideal.

2. a man who avidly seeks the attention and affections of women; ladies’ man.“

I constantly hear women talking about how they’re waiting for their Prince Charming. Let’s take a closer look at this loser’s movie career. He appeared in two different Disney movies. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and Sleeping Beauty. I shall analyze both movies and we shall see exactly how ‘charming’ this so called Prince really is.

Snow White

Premise – It’s about some chick named Snow White. First of all, who named this chick? Hitler? The Grand Wizard of the KKK? What a racist ass name. Snow White sounds like it would be the name of an Albino pornstar. Some evil Queen had some magic mirror would ask the mirror ‘who is the fairest of them all’ and when the mirror picked Snow White, the Queen flipped shit. Leave it to a woman to find a magic mirror and worry about her looks. If a dude had found this mirror, he’d be doing all sorts of wild shit with it.

Anyway, long story short, Snow White goes to live with some midgets, which is fucking weird in its own right if you ask me. One lonely girl and seven horny midget dudes living in the woods? Seriously… no one else has cause with this? Nobody?

The Prince’s Role - Snow White passes out and along comes ‘Prince Charming’. He just happened to be riding in the woods and stumbles across a passed out girl? What is the chances of that? Seriously, this rapist was in cahoots with the evil Queen if you ask me. What does he do? He fucking rapes her that’s what. He starts making out with her WHILE she’s passed out. What do those noble dwarfs do? Nothing, they WATCH and cheer him on.

If any guy even THOUGHT this, not tried but just THOUGHT of doing such a thing, Tom Cruise would swoop down from his rope and arrest your ass Minority Report style.

Sleeping Beauty

Premise – Sleeping Beauty is in a coma and since it’s set in 1272 or whatever year it is, her parents believe the only way she can wake up is if some random guy makes out with her. The King dispatches Princes from all over the world. What kind of piece of shit father is this guy? He’s just whoring his daughter out to any pervert with a crown?

Princes were lined up for miles to get a piece of that action. I haven’t seen lines like that since 1930s footage of old Great Depression bread lines. What’s even sadder is those people waiting in the bread lines looked cleaner than these so called Princes.

The Prince’s Role – He comes outta nowhere and makes out with her. Somehow she wakes up, I don’t know I’m not a doctor but she did.

Funny thing is the guys who were waiting in line after him were PISSED. Imagine waiting in a 2 hour line and then being told to go home. Yup, I’d be pissed off too.

So how is this ‘charming’?

A few months ago, my cousin pointed out something he read in a school textbook. It said ‘Women are not attracted to very short men’. My initial reaction was ‘yah obviously?’

They actually had to do a study to figure this out? It’s like saying BREAKING NEWS! REPORTS INDICATE, DRUNK DRIVERS ARE DANGEROUS! This isn’t breaking news, its common sense.

Side Note: I went to court the other day for a traffic violation and the judge sentenced some guy to jail for speeding. Seriously? Jail for speeding? Poor guy went to jail for 30 days. What is this? Communist Russia? What would they have done to him if he switched lanes without turning his blinker on? Sent him to death row?

Anyway, whoever did this study should have just paid me 1/3 of the price and I would have come up with the same conclusion.

The funniest part about the ‘study’ was it said ‘very short men’, I mean maybe a short guy can get away with being short. But, being VERY SHORT, what constitutes as VERY SHORT anyway? I’m 5’11 and I think 5’8 is short, what does that make very short? Like 5’3?

What’s next? They’re gonna do studies about how guys with ketchup stained t-shirts are having a hard time getting laid?

50. Montana – It has the terrain as Afghanistan and probably the same education level too.

49. North Dakota – If someone with a gun came up to me and said he’d shoot me unless I named ONE city in all of North Dakota. I’d lose, I’d just be like ‘look man, just shoot me, I lost.’

48. South Dakota – Doesn’t matter if it’s North, South, East, or West… Dakota=Dakota and I feel sorry for anyone who has ever been in this state.

47. Idaho – Only reason they weren’t ranked last is because apparently the potatoes from Five Guys came from this state. This earns points in my book, but not too many points.

46. Alaska – Maybe, if I was an Eskimo I’d rank this hellhole higher but I’m not an Eskimo.

45. Wyoming – I’ve never met anyone from Wyoming and I hope I never do.

44. Nebraska – When the state college team is called the ‘Cornhuskers’, you know this place is a piece of crap.

43. Arkansas – AR KANSAS, yet it’s pronounced AR KAN SAW?

42. West Virginia – I’ve been here once and regretted it.

41. Delaware – ‘The First State’, too bad it’s last in everything else.

40. Iowa – Pop Quiz! Name ONE city in Iowa! Oh, looks like you fail!

39. Ohio – Cleveland is in Ohio.

38. Utah – Imagine having something knocking on your door 15 times a day. No Thanks…

37. New Mexico – How bad does somewhere have to be if it’s named after Mexico?

36. Indiana – Best thing to do in Indiana? Watching the Colts choke.

35, 34, 33. Kansas, Kentucky, Missouri – What is the difference between these three? Nothing, all three are crap.

32. Mississippi – Why do Southerners always try to differentiate everything by saying ‘this side of the Mississippi’? What is this? 1783?

31. Wisconsin – Even Brett Favre escaped this hellhole.

30. Oklahoma - Even I’m surprised this state is ranked so high.

29. Alabama – Sorry to break the news, but the Civil War ended over 145 years ago.

28. Vermont – Seems like nice places. Would I actually go there? Hell no.

27. Tennessee – We shoulda let these guys secede.

26, 25, 24. Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Maine – Mmmmm, Lobster…

23. Minnesota – It’s winter in September in this place. How depressing is that.

22. Connecticut – It’s close to New York, so it can’t be all bad.

21, 20. South Carolina, North Carolina – Hurricanes? Rednecks? Tobacco? MUST BE THE CAROLINAS!

19. New Jersey – LOL New Jersey…

18. Maryland – I live in and hate Virginia, but I hate Maryland more.

17. Oregon – Best thing about Oregon? It’s close to California.

16. Colorado – Beautiful scenery.

15. Washington – Best thing about Washington? It’s close to Canada.

14. Michigan – For a state that has Detroit in it, I’m surprised it ranked this far.

13. Pennsylvania – For a state that has Philadelphia in it, I’m surprised it ranked this high.

12. Louisiana – 3^nd highest ranked Southern state. What an honor!

11.  Nevada – Other than Vegas this place has nothing.

10. Georgia – Honestly, I can’t even explain why this place is ranked so high.

9. Virginia – Without Northern Virginia, this place would probably be ranked in the 40s.

8. Illinois – Do you like wind? Welcome to Illinois.

7. Arizona – Too hot, but better than too cold.

6. Massachusetts – Great state

5. Texas – YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAWWWW!!!

4. Hawaii – ‘Lost’ is filmed here, so it must be great.

3. New York – New York City is basically carrying the whole state. Have you ever been to Buffalo, Rochester, Albany, Corning or Syracuse?    

2. Florida – Miami.. Tampa.. Dayton.. Need I say more?

1. California – Los Angeles. Beautiful women, beautiful weather.

After going to my fair share of clubs I’ve noticed only a certain type of people go to these places. Almost every clubber falls into one of these categories (obviously there are exceptions).

*Note – After writing this, I realized there are a lot of bird references*
*Warning! If you get offended easily, get out*

Types of GUYS at clubs

The Guy Who Claims He Can Get You In– He’s that one guy you barely know standing outside of the club for some reason. He usually claims he’s some sort of ‘promoter’ (Whatever that is). He always says he can get you in without you even asking for his help then gives you the old wink and head nod. The second you see the wink and head nod, your ass knows this scrub isn’t getting you in. He repeatedly says ‘I got you, I GOT YOU’ as if you’re supposed to know what this even means. The only thing he’s got is a stupid look on his face when he tells you he can’t get you in. If you can’t do a favor for someone DON’T volunteer, no one is going to think less of you because of it.

The Ass Grabber – Apparently, these guys think grabbing an unsuspecting girl’s ass is some form of pick up. Seriously, do they think girls are going to turn around and be like OH MY GOD!! THANKS FOR GRABBING MY ASS UNSUSPECTINGLY, CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER!?

The Abercrombie & Fitch Guy – I’m not knocking on these guys because they DO know how to party… just not at a club. First off, they don’t even dress the part. You come into a club wearing cargo shorts and an A&F polo and expect to pick up girls? Nope, not happening. Do you see me going to a frat party wearing dress pants and a button up? Secondly, out of most other guys in the club, the A&F guy is probably the one that stands out like a sore thumb. It’s like that one Sesame Street segment where they’d put a picture of a Zebra, Giraffe, Monkey and a stained toilet and ask you which one DOES NOT belong.

The Good Guy – He acts all wholesome and marriage material but the second he enters a club it’s like he has a chance to have an alter ego and goes crazy until someone he knows enters the club and then he acts like he was dragged to the club. “Me? Come on you know I don’t hang out at these kinds of places”

The Wallflower – Ever notice when you’re in the club and notice those realistic drawings on the wall? And you think to yourself ‘WOW that looks SO real’, but by the end of the night they’re gone and you’re like ‘ok… what the hell just happened?’ Well, I’ll let you in on a secret, those are actual human beings. They’re guys who actually paid a cover charge to stand motionless and be ornaments at the wall of a club for four and a half hours.

The Loyal Married Guy – He’s just there for some drinks and as unrealistic as this may sound he is NOT there to cheat.

The Married Guy Who Cheats – He’s just there to cheat on his wife who has been nagging him for days to mow the lawn.

The Guy Who Brings His Girl– This guy usually leaves the club pissed off because his girlfriend gets hounded by 5000 ‘Ass Grabbers’.

The Tricycle – He’s the guy who is always following the one couple as if he’s a part of the couple. His boy (the male in the couple) doesn’t want to be an asshole and tell him to fuck off but he clearly wants him to fuck off. It’s like ok man; I came here to chill with my girl, not to chill with my girl while you breathe down my neck.

The Vulture – The Vulture is that one guy who is literally HOVERING and circling a girl for the entire night. He could be a friend, a co-worker, or just some random asshole trying to get laid. You always think to yourself ‘is she with this guy?’ Then you start to notice how she’s talking and dancing with other guys while the vulture continues to hover around her. Worst part with the Vulture is he hovers around the girl the entire night and does not even get a number in the end because others already beat him to the punch and the next day the girl probably doesn’t even know he existed.

The Male Cockblocker – I don’t know what his motives are involving the girl, but there are motives. To defeat the cockblock, you yourself must become the cockblock. The cockblock knows he’s not getting anything from the girl so he’s trying to bring every other guy down with him. He’s like a shape shifter, very elusive; he can transform into the ‘good guy’, the ‘vulture’, or even the ass grabber and blame it on some other guy and when all these tactics fail he just gives up and resorts to cockblocking. Cockblocker Motto: If I’m not getting laid tonight, NOONE IS!

The Captain – The captain is the guy who walks into the club with 40 girls by himself yet he’s not with any of the girls or even remotely interested in any. Worst of all, he claims he’s sailing a ‘straight’ ship.

The Rapist – There are many types of Rapists. One of them is the asshole who has no game until the girl is piss drunk to the point where she cannot even walk and takes her home and you know the rest. The other one is the guy who is literally a ‘Wallflower’ for the entire night until the end where he sees a girl who is lost and drunk off her ass. Third, is the one who actually gets the girl drunk or slips some sort of pill in her drink.

The Fighter – The guy’s sole purpose is to start a fight. Usually when I ask them how did the fight even start; coincidently it’s always the OTHER guys fault. It happens every week to the same guy.

The Designated Driver – He’s usually the angry guy in the club. He has to babysit his friends and has an awful time.

The Random Ass MoFo (RAM) – The RAM is that one asshole you run into at the club and then he comes and stands beside you and talks to you about bullshit as if you WANT their company. It’s like Jesus Christ man I’m here to meet women not meet more guys. If I wanted to hang out with you, don’t you think I would have called you and said ‘Hey, wanna come with me to the club and stand beside me and follow my every move like a vulture?’

The F.O.B. – The FOB is usually the wildest guy in the club. He literally got off the boat like the day before yet he claims he’s more American than you. He speaks a nasty 3rd world country accent, yet insults your English. He thinks by buying literally every article of clothing from Armani Exchange and having tighter  jeans that he’s all of a sudden 5th generation American. Worst of all, the FOB insults your game and calls you a loser any opportunity he gets. True Story, I saw a FOB going so wild at a club once, he was LITERALLY walking on walls and the following conversation took place between me and some girl.

Girl (Grabs me): OH MY GOD! It’s SPIDERMAN!!
Me: Where?!?
Girl: RIGHT THERE!!!!! He’s walking on walls
Me: No, No, No, that’s not Spiderman, that’s just a FOB.

The Moochers – These guys are always around you when you get a bottle. They ignore the shit out of you when they see you outside but in the club when they see you with a bottle they come running. They act like they’re your childhood friend and make up bullshit conversations you never had. “Oh My god, dude remember in first grade how we cheated on that addition and subtraction test?” No, motherfucker I don’t, but I sure do remember kicking your ass out of my table.

The Drink Buyer – Ever noticed those idiots at the bar who buy a girl a drink and then the girl uses the old ‘I’m going to go use the bathroom, I’ll be back’ and this idiot waits and waits and she never shows up and he waits and waits some more and then he does this routine throughout the night with different girls and when he finally gets a paper from the hot bartender and he gets excited because he thinks he got a phone number but he really didn’t and then he realizes that’s his bill for all the drinks he was dishing out? Well that’s the ‘Drink Buyer’ and yes I am aware that sentence was not grammatically correct.

The 45 Year Old – This asshole stands at the wall and thinks he’s hot shit by rubbing his chin and licking his lips for 4 hours while staring at girl’s asses. He’s always telling stories of how he use to be the ‘MAN’. Yah, dude sorry to burst your bubble but this isn’t 1988.

Father Rooster – He’s the male version of the Mother Hen, always acting like the fatherly figure and ruining his own night because he is making sure his friends don’t get too drunk. Another name for Father Rooster is The Babysitter.

The Low Confidence Guy – Before arriving to the club he’s talking trash and claiming he’s going to get at LEAST 5 numbers. The second he arrives at the club, he realizes the crappy polo he’s wearing isn’t going to cut it. For the rest of the night he literally stands there with his head down.

The Vagina Tease – He dances and hangs out with a girl all night then doesn’t even get a number on purpose or when he does get a number he doesn’t even call the girl.

The Wingman – He usually takes one ‘for the team’. Definition of taking one ‘for the team’: Talking to the female cockblock while your friend is trying to get a number.

The Table Getters – These guys usually act like ballers by getting a table every single weekend. By the third week in a row they realize their broke asses don’t have any more money. Even sadder, they realize they didn’t even get any numbers.

The Drunkard – This guy is at times the life of the party because you can play pranks on his sorry ass when he’s drunk. One awesome prank to play on the Drunkard is telling him to keep asking the same girl to dance and just watch him get rejected from afar. Nine times outta ten, the Drunkard is the one who actually wins in the end because he ends up throwing up in your car on the ride back home.

The No Morals Guy – You can literally hit on their wife, sister, girlfriend, or cousin in front of them and the guy wouldn’t care.

The Europeans - These guys come to American clubs thinking they’re in Naples wearing their skin tight shirts and spandex looking jeans and wondering why they don’t fit in. Maybe in Europe, women are into greasy stick figures with their tofu diets but here in America eating a steak once in a while isn’t a bad thing. How do they move around in those jeans anyway?

The Hooker Upper – He’s the guy meeting some girl to hook his boy up. Yet the girl is so into the Hooker Upper that she doesn’t even care about the friend or know he even exists. Seriously, in the HISTORY of the hookup has a friend ACTUALLY gotten hooked up when a girl is out to meet a specific guy? I mean think about it, someone invites you to the club and in your mind you think they’re inviting you to see you when in reality they’re inviting you to hook their friend up. HAS anyone actually gotten hooked up like this? Seriously, I WANT TO KNOW!

After going to my fair share of clubs I’ve noticed only a certain type of people go to these places. Almost every clubber falls into one of these categories (obviously there are exceptions).

*Note – After writing this, I realized there are a lot of bird references*
*Warning! If you get offended easily, get out of here*

*This does NOT include bars, only CLUBS*

Types of GIRLS at clubs

The Mother Hen – The Mother Hen is essentially the mother of a female flock. Usually, the Mother Hen is less attractive than her fellow flock members. The Mother Hen goes clubbing to essentially protect her chicks; she doesn’t even care for male companionship UNLESS she’s REALLY into the guy or something.

Cockblock Level – 8/10

The Female Cockblock – Like the Mother Hen, she is less attractive than her female flock members so she has the mentality of ‘well, if I’m not going get picked up tonight, NOONE WILL’. Perfect example…
Guy: Hey girl, want to dance

Girl: Yah, sure

F-Cockblock (to guy): Listen ASSHOLE! She’s not dancing with you!

Guy: But she just said ‘sure’

F-Cockblock (to guy): EWWW, LEAVE HER ALONE!

F-Clockblock (to girl): You don’t want to dance with THIS loser, do you?

Girl: I guess not

Cockblock Level – 10/10

The Fat Chick – Nobody knows why the fat chick is at the club, not even her own friends. The Fat Chick ALWAYS acts like she’s having a shitty time and that she was forced to come out or something. The thing that distinguishes the Mother Hen from the Fat Chick is the fact that the Fat Chick just acts as if she’s not there to get guys. TRUST ME, the fat chick is there to get some action, only problem is no one is there to give her some action. Guys usually don’t want to approach the hot girl when she’s around because they know they’re going to get cockblocked. If they’re really lucky they can convince one of their drunken friends that she’s hot.

Cockblock Level – 7/10

The Whore – Everyone knows that one girl who acts like she’s always drunk when SHE REALLY ISN’T. You know why? Because being drunk is an excuse to being a whore.
Fat Chick: OOOOOHHHHHHHH MY GOD, You slept with that guy, you are SUCH a whore.
Whore: OH MY GOD, I cannot believe I did that, I WAS SO DRUNK.

Cockblock Level – 0/10

The Hot Snob – You know that one girl in the club who isn’t talking to anyone and knows hot. You can look like Brad Pitt, be as rich as Bill Gates and you still can’t strike up a conversation with her.

Cockblock Level – 0/10 (Only because you have no chance in the first place)

The Ugly Snob – She’s the ugly girl who THINKS she’s hot because 200 dudes are hitting on her, yet she’s NOT attractive. She gets hit on because of the following reasons:

A) The city she lives in the average girl is a 5, so when the average girl is a 5, the typical 3 looks like a 7 at least. Basic mathematics.

B) The guys who hit on her are drunk, they don’t know any better or pretend they don’t.

C) She’s with a Hot Snob, so by default guys are going to be around her so she automatically thinks she’s being hit on.

D) One of the guys is taking ‘one for the team’

E) For some guys as long as you have a Vagina, you are game.

Cockblock Level – 0/10 (Only because you don’t want a chance in the first place)

The Lesbian – What are you doing here? What kind of teasing is this? You’re making out with your friend on the dance floor and expect us NOT to hit on you?!? Of course we’re going to hit on you, why would we NOT hit on you?! This is like poking a bear with a stick and thinking you’re going to walk away with your ass being in less than 5 pieces.

Cockblock Level – 9/10

The Loyal Girls – They’re legitimately there to have a good time and not in search of male ‘companionship’. George Clooney could walk up to these girls and numbers STILL wouldn’t be exchanged. These girls are actually loyal to their husbands/boyfriends/fiancés.

Cockblock Level – 10/10

The VIP Girls – These girls are being protected by like 3 dudes as if they’re Paris Hilton and her entourage. It’s because of these girls that the fights usually start.

Cockblock Level – 10/10 (You’d be lucky to leave with just a cockblock and not a swift kick in the chest)

The Cougar - She’s on the prowl for some young meat.

Cockblock Level – 7/10 (Only because every other dude is gonna try and cockblock you for some action)

COMING SOON – People at Clubs Part 2 – Males