Snack Characters

Trix Rabbit – I feel like this guy got the raw end of the deal. He’s clearly an addict and his addiction is Trix cereal. Why he chose this particular brand of cereal is beyond me. He’s the damn spokesman for the brand and a bunch of snot nosed kids are constantly telling him “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids”. If I have a son and he pulls this line on me when I’m trying to eat some Trix, I am going to bide my time and wait. I’ll wait until I catch him watching porn and go up to him and be like ‘Silly son, porn is for adults.’

Tony The Tiger – That bastard Tony the Tiger was constantly hooting and hollering about how ‘Great’ Frosted Flakes were. I think his spy ass was under contract when he lied to us about Frosted Flakes being ‘Greaaaaaaat!!’ Great? Really Tony? GREAT?! Good, maybe. But I personally think ‘great’ seems greatly exaggerated.  Don’t you think?

Cap’n Crunch – I really liked Cap’n until I realized how much of a joke he really is. This bastard is a sea captain so that means he’s probably at sea for months or even years surround by a bunch of other horny sailors. He’s had all this time to think of the perfect pick up line and the best he could come up with is ‘you and the Cap’n can make it hap’n’? That’s the best you could do Cap? COME ON MAN! You think this would work at a bar? Imagine, a guy with a blue suit telling a girl ‘you and the Cap’n can make it hap’n’. This isn’t gonna work.

Wendell – You’re probably thinking who the hell Wendell is. Wendell is that creepy old man in the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box. This son of a bitch lures poor unsuspecting children with his old man looks and delicious cereal. I’m on to you Wendell. He looks like an evil scientist who does experiments on children using dairy products and a hint of cinnamon.

Chester Cheetah – Chester went from being super cool to super creepy. I’d be terrified if I was trapped in a room with this guy. Not because he’s a Cheetah but because he’s a creep. He’s sneaking up behind unsuspecting potheads in these commercials, they should ban him. On the creepy note, what’s with these companies making all their mascots creepy? First, the Burger King and now Chester? Who are they going to make creepy next? Ronald McDonald? Oh wait…

Snap, Crackle and Pop – Or better known as Cric! Crac! Croc! in French. I feel like these idiots are related to those annoying Keebler Elves. The only good thing that came from these crackheads is those wonderful Rice Krispie Treats. Who came up with Elves anyway? Was the marketing department of Kellogg’s sitting around in their board meeting and thinking a bunch of tiny elves would be GREAT for selling rice treats? If you’re going to make mythical creatures your mascot, why not 3 Chinese midgets with Fu Manchus, wouldn’t that be better?

  • December 23
  • , 2010
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