After going to my fair share of clubs I’ve noticed only a certain type of people go to these places. Almost every clubber falls into one of these categories (obviously there are exceptions).
*Note – After writing this, I realized there are a lot of bird references*
*Warning! If you get offended easily, get out*
Types of GUYS at clubs
The Guy Who Claims He Can Get You In– He’s that one guy you barely know standing outside of the club for some reason. He usually claims he’s some sort of ‘promoter’ (Whatever that is). He always says he can get you in without you even asking for his help then gives you the old wink and head nod. The second you see the wink and head nod, your ass knows this scrub isn’t getting you in. He repeatedly says ‘I got you, I GOT YOU’ as if you’re supposed to know what this even means. The only thing he’s got is a stupid look on his face when he tells you he can’t get you in. If you can’t do a favor for someone DON’T volunteer, no one is going to think less of you because of it.
The Ass Grabber – Apparently, these guys think grabbing an unsuspecting girl’s ass is some form of pick up. Seriously, do they think girls are going to turn around and be like OH MY GOD!! THANKS FOR GRABBING MY ASS UNSUSPECTINGLY, CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER!?
The Abercrombie & Fitch Guy – I’m not knocking on these guys because they DO know how to party… just not at a club. First off, they don’t even dress the part. You come into a club wearing cargo shorts and an A&F polo and expect to pick up girls? Nope, not happening. Do you see me going to a frat party wearing dress pants and a button up? Secondly, out of most other guys in the club, the A&F guy is probably the one that stands out like a sore thumb. It’s like that one Sesame Street segment where they’d put a picture of a Zebra, Giraffe, Monkey and a stained toilet and ask you which one DOES NOT belong.
The Good Guy – He acts all wholesome and marriage material but the second he enters a club it’s like he has a chance to have an alter ego and goes crazy until someone he knows enters the club and then he acts like he was dragged to the club. “Me? Come on you know I don’t hang out at these kinds of places”
The Wallflower – Ever notice when you’re in the club and notice those realistic drawings on the wall? And you think to yourself ‘WOW that looks SO real’, but by the end of the night they’re gone and you’re like ‘ok… what the hell just happened?’ Well, I’ll let you in on a secret, those are actual human beings. They’re guys who actually paid a cover charge to stand motionless and be ornaments at the wall of a club for four and a half hours.
The Loyal Married Guy – He’s just there for some drinks and as unrealistic as this may sound he is NOT there to cheat.
The Married Guy Who Cheats – He’s just there to cheat on his wife who has been nagging him for days to mow the lawn.
The Guy Who Brings His Girl– This guy usually leaves the club pissed off because his girlfriend gets hounded by 5000 ‘Ass Grabbers’.
The Tricycle – He’s the guy who is always following the one couple as if he’s a part of the couple. His boy (the male in the couple) doesn’t want to be an asshole and tell him to fuck off but he clearly wants him to fuck off. It’s like ok man; I came here to chill with my girl, not to chill with my girl while you breathe down my neck.
The Vulture – The Vulture is that one guy who is literally HOVERING and circling a girl for the entire night. He could be a friend, a co-worker, or just some random asshole trying to get laid. You always think to yourself ‘is she with this guy?’ Then you start to notice how she’s talking and dancing with other guys while the vulture continues to hover around her. Worst part with the Vulture is he hovers around the girl the entire night and does not even get a number in the end because others already beat him to the punch and the next day the girl probably doesn’t even know he existed.
The Male Cockblocker – I don’t know what his motives are involving the girl, but there are motives. To defeat the cockblock, you yourself must become the cockblock. The cockblock knows he’s not getting anything from the girl so he’s trying to bring every other guy down with him. He’s like a shape shifter, very elusive; he can transform into the ‘good guy’, the ‘vulture’, or even the ass grabber and blame it on some other guy and when all these tactics fail he just gives up and resorts to cockblocking. Cockblocker Motto: If I’m not getting laid tonight, NOONE IS!
The Captain – The captain is the guy who walks into the club with 40 girls by himself yet he’s not with any of the girls or even remotely interested in any. Worst of all, he claims he’s sailing a ‘straight’ ship.
The Rapist – There are many types of Rapists. One of them is the asshole who has no game until the girl is piss drunk to the point where she cannot even walk and takes her home and you know the rest. The other one is the guy who is literally a ‘Wallflower’ for the entire night until the end where he sees a girl who is lost and drunk off her ass. Third, is the one who actually gets the girl drunk or slips some sort of pill in her drink.
The Fighter – The guy’s sole purpose is to start a fight. Usually when I ask them how did the fight even start; coincidently it’s always the OTHER guys fault. It happens every week to the same guy.
The Designated Driver – He’s usually the angry guy in the club. He has to babysit his friends and has an awful time.
The Random Ass MoFo (RAM) – The RAM is that one asshole you run into at the club and then he comes and stands beside you and talks to you about bullshit as if you WANT their company. It’s like Jesus Christ man I’m here to meet women not meet more guys. If I wanted to hang out with you, don’t you think I would have called you and said ‘Hey, wanna come with me to the club and stand beside me and follow my every move like a vulture?’
The F.O.B. – The FOB is usually the wildest guy in the club. He literally got off the boat like the day before yet he claims he’s more American than you. He speaks a nasty 3rd world country accent, yet insults your English. He thinks by buying literally every article of clothing from Armani Exchange and having tighter jeans that he’s all of a sudden 5th generation American. Worst of all, the FOB insults your game and calls you a loser any opportunity he gets. True Story, I saw a FOB going so wild at a club once, he was LITERALLY walking on walls and the following conversation took place between me and some girl.
Girl (Grabs me): OH MY GOD! It’s SPIDERMAN!!
Me: Where?!?
Girl: RIGHT THERE!!!!! He’s walking on walls
Me: No, No, No, that’s not Spiderman, that’s just a FOB.
The Moochers – These guys are always around you when you get a bottle. They ignore the shit out of you when they see you outside but in the club when they see you with a bottle they come running. They act like they’re your childhood friend and make up bullshit conversations you never had. “Oh My god, dude remember in first grade how we cheated on that addition and subtraction test?” No, motherfucker I don’t, but I sure do remember kicking your ass out of my table.
The Drink Buyer – Ever noticed those idiots at the bar who buy a girl a drink and then the girl uses the old ‘I’m going to go use the bathroom, I’ll be back’ and this idiot waits and waits and she never shows up and he waits and waits some more and then he does this routine throughout the night with different girls and when he finally gets a paper from the hot bartender and he gets excited because he thinks he got a phone number but he really didn’t and then he realizes that’s his bill for all the drinks he was dishing out? Well that’s the ‘Drink Buyer’ and yes I am aware that sentence was not grammatically correct.
The 45 Year Old – This asshole stands at the wall and thinks he’s hot shit by rubbing his chin and licking his lips for 4 hours while staring at girl’s asses. He’s always telling stories of how he use to be the ‘MAN’. Yah, dude sorry to burst your bubble but this isn’t 1988.
Father Rooster – He’s the male version of the Mother Hen, always acting like the fatherly figure and ruining his own night because he is making sure his friends don’t get too drunk. Another name for Father Rooster is The Babysitter.
The Low Confidence Guy – Before arriving to the club he’s talking trash and claiming he’s going to get at LEAST 5 numbers. The second he arrives at the club, he realizes the crappy polo he’s wearing isn’t going to cut it. For the rest of the night he literally stands there with his head down.
The Vagina Tease – He dances and hangs out with a girl all night then doesn’t even get a number on purpose or when he does get a number he doesn’t even call the girl.
The Wingman – He usually takes one ‘for the team’. Definition of taking one ‘for the team’: Talking to the female cockblock while your friend is trying to get a number.
The Table Getters – These guys usually act like ballers by getting a table every single weekend. By the third week in a row they realize their broke asses don’t have any more money. Even sadder, they realize they didn’t even get any numbers.
The Drunkard – This guy is at times the life of the party because you can play pranks on his sorry ass when he’s drunk. One awesome prank to play on the Drunkard is telling him to keep asking the same girl to dance and just watch him get rejected from afar. Nine times outta ten, the Drunkard is the one who actually wins in the end because he ends up throwing up in your car on the ride back home.
The No Morals Guy – You can literally hit on their wife, sister, girlfriend, or cousin in front of them and the guy wouldn’t care.
The Europeans - These guys come to American clubs thinking they’re in Naples wearing their skin tight shirts and spandex looking jeans and wondering why they don’t fit in. Maybe in Europe, women are into greasy stick figures with their tofu diets but here in America eating a steak once in a while isn’t a bad thing. How do they move around in those jeans anyway?
The Hooker Upper – He’s the guy meeting some girl to hook his boy up. Yet the girl is so into the Hooker Upper that she doesn’t even care about the friend or know he even exists. Seriously, in the HISTORY of the hookup has a friend ACTUALLY gotten hooked up when a girl is out to meet a specific guy? I mean think about it, someone invites you to the club and in your mind you think they’re inviting you to see you when in reality they’re inviting you to hook their friend up. HAS anyone actually gotten hooked up like this? Seriously, I WANT TO KNOW!
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