The Blog About Nothing

Trix Rabbit – I feel like this guy got the raw end of the deal. He’s clearly an addict and his addiction is Trix cereal. Why he chose this particular brand of cereal is beyond me. He’s the damn spokesman for the brand and a bunch of snot nosed kids are constantly telling him “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids”. If I have a son and he pulls this line on me when I’m trying to eat some Trix, I am going to bide my time and wait. I’ll wait until I catch him watching porn and go up to him and be like ‘Silly son, porn is for adults.’

Tony The Tiger – That bastard Tony the Tiger was constantly hooting and hollering about how ‘Great’ Frosted Flakes were. I think his spy ass was under contract when he lied to us about Frosted Flakes being ‘Greaaaaaaat!!’ Great? Really Tony? GREAT?! Good, maybe. But I personally think ‘great’ seems greatly exaggerated.  Don’t you think?

Cap’n Crunch – I really liked Cap’n until I realized how much of a joke he really is. This bastard is a sea captain so that means he’s probably at sea for months or even years surround by a bunch of other horny sailors. He’s had all this time to think of the perfect pick up line and the best he could come up with is ‘you and the Cap’n can make it hap’n’? That’s the best you could do Cap? COME ON MAN! You think this would work at a bar? Imagine, a guy with a blue suit telling a girl ‘you and the Cap’n can make it hap’n’. This isn’t gonna work.

Wendell – You’re probably thinking who the hell Wendell is. Wendell is that creepy old man in the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box. This son of a bitch lures poor unsuspecting children with his old man looks and delicious cereal. I’m on to you Wendell. He looks like an evil scientist who does experiments on children using dairy products and a hint of cinnamon.

Chester Cheetah – Chester went from being super cool to super creepy. I’d be terrified if I was trapped in a room with this guy. Not because he’s a Cheetah but because he’s a creep. He’s sneaking up behind unsuspecting potheads in these commercials, they should ban him. On the creepy note, what’s with these companies making all their mascots creepy? First, the Burger King and now Chester? Who are they going to make creepy next? Ronald McDonald? Oh wait…

Snap, Crackle and Pop – Or better known as Cric! Crac! Croc! in French. I feel like these idiots are related to those annoying Keebler Elves. The only good thing that came from these crackheads is those wonderful Rice Krispie Treats. Who came up with Elves anyway? Was the marketing department of Kellogg’s sitting around in their board meeting and thinking a bunch of tiny elves would be GREAT for selling rice treats? If you’re going to make mythical creatures your mascot, why not 3 Chinese midgets with Fu Manchus, wouldn’t that be better?

It’s the holiday season and I’m sure everyone is scrambling to buy a gift for a loved one. Every time, I see these commercials advertising gifts, you see the woman getting a 24 karat diamond ring and what does the guy get? We get a damn toolbox. What is this? What am I gonna do with a damn toolbox?

I am not Bob the Builder. Men like tools and paint. Who came up with this lie? This has to rank as one of the greatest lies in the history of the world. ‘Gee, thanks babe! This is the exact paint color I was looking for!’ What am I gonna do with paint? Paint my house? I don’t want to paint my house. Guys don’t care what color their houses are. You know who DOES care? Women, that’s who cares. Women buy us paint and tools and we as men are so dumb we fall for it. Seriously, I don’t even know what color my room is and IM SITTING IN IT RIGHT NOW!

 It sucks because you know women came up with the whole diamond ring thing. ‘You have to buy us a diamond ring and if you don’t we won’t be with you.’ I told a girl once that I’d never buy a diamond ring because it’s just a bunch of rich assholes exploiting poor local third world populations. Needless to say, she dumped my ass. Now, I’m a lying asshole exploiting poor girls into thinking one day I’ll buy them a diamond ring. I’m more than certain women came up with this lie about men liking tools. “Buy dad that new shovel he’s been wanting this Christmas!” I highly doubt Dad wants a shovel as his Christmas gift. Why not buy dad that new 60’’ TV? Oh, that’s right because then he won’t be fixing the roof on his day off and he’ll be watching Football on his new 60’’ TV.

I am not a carpenter. I do not know how to fix your unhinged door. In fact, I don’t even know what an unhinged door is. My door is probably unhinged RIGHT NOW. Do I care? Nope, because I have no idea what it is. So, that screwdriver you just bought me isn’t gonna do me any good because I don’t know what to do with it. How do I fix my unhinged doors? I hire someone ‘my door is unhinged, fix it, I’ll pay you’.

I am a hero.

I may not have superpowers other than my great powers of writing really entertaining blogs about my useless observations but I did save a man’s life. It was three weeks ago and I saw a man choking. Being the great guy I am, I went and started performing the Heimlich maneuver on him. I assumed I would do a thrust and all of a sudden whatever that was stuck in his throat would shoot across the room. That did not happen..

Thrust #1 – A lot of fluid came out of his mouth, rather disgusting. So, I asked him, ‘can you breathe now?’ He shook his head indicating ‘no’.

Thrust #2 – The piece of meat came out of his mouth. He started breathing and gasping for air like how I assume Pinocchio’s father did when he escaped that man eating whale.

The ambulance came and took him away. I did not hear from him until today. He came and told me how thankful he was that I saved his life. I couldn’t help but thinking how many times he must have cranked up Enrique Iglesias’ song ‘Hero’ and just laid back and thought of the day I was his hero. He offered me a reward for my heroic efforts. Like the humble man I am, I did not take it and told him I would do it again if I could.

Then I felt bad, I was like this poor guy went out of his way to buy me a gift and I turned it down. This is like if I was to meet my own hero Tom Brady and ask to take a picture with him and he turns me down. I’d be devastated…

I told my friend the story and he pointed out how in ancient times instead of gift cards, men would offer their daughters as a reward. ‘I bet your ass wouldn’t be pulling the no reward card then’. This is true; I picked the wrong age to be a hero, if I was living in King Arthur’s time, I would be saving people left and right. I’d probably hire bandits to kidnap the hot village girl’s father and then swoop in and save the day. I’d get the recognition and the girl. A rare win-win scenario.

In all seriousness, whatever happened to helping people because it’s the right thing to do? I helped an old lady with her groceries one day and she pulled out money to give me. I was offended; I was like ‘really, you think this is some scheme I have? I go around and help unsuspected old hags to get a $10 dollar reward?’

Yup, I am a hero.