The Blog About Nothing

I worked at the mall for a few years. I realized there were a lot of strange people. This post is about the different type of people in malls.

The Seasoned Vet 29 Year Old –

Age 16 – First job, he’s excited as ever that he’s making $5 an hour.

Age 18 – Graduated high school, ready to attend college, needs a part-time job to pay for books and other school essentials.

Age 23 – Graduating College and he still has the glimmering hopes and dreams of a horny adolescent boy.  Working at the mall until he starts making that ‘big boy’ money in the ‘real world’.

Age 26 – “I got a job interview with Booz Allen Hamilton; I think this is the one!” Blames the recession for his misfortune.

Age 29 – Finally accepts reality that he will be working at the mall for the rest of his life. “You know what, I’d rather work here than anywhere else.” Yah, RIIIIIGHT.

The Indian – This guy comes in with his family pretending he’s gonna buy that $70 shirt and then proceeds to ask if he can use your employee discount. Look douchebag, maybe in the Bazaars of India you can haggle and barter your pet goat for the employee discount but here in the West, this is called being annoying. Stop asking me for my discount, I don’t know you, I don’t care to know you, you need to shave your 1970s pornstar moustache and you smell like paprika, so no I won’t be letting you use my discount.

The GameStop Virgins – These guys take out their frustration of not getting laid by acting like you’re some retard because you simply asked when the new Madden is coming out. “Ugh, August 20^th”. I personally think they’re the most obnoxious people in the mall. They look down on people for not knowing the release date of a certain game, god forbid they were Oxford Scholars or something and you asked them why Henry III was important.  

The Hispanic – This guy comes in speaking better English than Winston Churchill’s great grandnephew and still proceeds to ask if I speak Spanish. You speak perfect English; why in the hell do you need to talk in Spanish? What is your reason for this? This would happen to me frequently so me and my co-workers would just be like “no, I don’t but that guy does” and point to a co-worker who doesn’t speak a lick of Spanish. He’d go to them and start speaking in Spanish and my co-worker would say I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH! Yup, I’m a prick…

Women in any clothing store - I worked in a clothing store and when a man would come in, he KNEW what he wanted. If he wanted a pair of black socks, he’d ask where the black socks are and pick one out in a matter of 3 seconds and buy it. Women would come in the store try on every single shirt, pants, socks, bra, etc. and NOT buy a single one.

Food Court Asians – They’re the people screaming in the top of their lungs for you to ‘try sampa, TRY SAMPA’ as you ignore them like you ignore the homeless people begging for change on the street. The worst part is when you decide to buy food from these establishments, they’re still yelling at you to ‘try sampa’.

The Holiday Season Israeli – It’s always some attractive 20 year old girl fresh out of Israel standing at the Kiosk. You’re just walking along and they say ‘hey, let me ask you something’. I use to be stupid enough to actually stop by and see what was going on. Then they ask if I’ve heard of their product and when I say I’m not interested they somehow call out my manhood. ‘What kind of girl would be interested in a loser who doesn’t buy this product?’ They’re usually selling some bullshit ‘dead sea salt’. I don’t know what in the hell ‘dead sea salt’ and I’m not interested in finding out either. They make it sound as if this salt is the most amazing thing in the world. Why are you selling this during the holiday season anyway? If someone gave me ‘dead sea salt’ for Christmas, my birthday or for any other occasion, I’m gonna pretend like I enjoyed their thoughtful gift and wait….I’ll wait until the next time I see them and throw some salt in their eye and blind the son of a bitch for thinking of such a lousy gift. ‘Dead sea salt’ is by far the worst gift in the history of the world. I’d rather receive no gift than the following list:

Rank of Worst Gifts

1.       Dead Sea Salt

2.       A Sweater

3.       A Gift card to Bed, Bath & Beyond

4.       A snow globe with the name of a country I’ve never been to

5.       Tools

Shady Middle Eastern Salesman – I never buy anything from these bastards unless I really have to. These guys can convince anyone into buying anything. When I go into a store, I always look for the white guy, black guy, Asian guy, or whoever before these guys. Is it racist? No, it’s smart.

Mall Cop – At the mall I use to work at, they did not have security guards; they had actual police officers working at the mall. This must be so degrading for these guys. Imagine wanting to be a cop your entire life and you’re sent to work at the mall. Years of police academy training is paying off while you crack down on those young 15 year old shop lifters.

Loss Prevention Pervs – I feel like these creeps are just watching every girl through their ‘surveillance’ cameras. I’ve known a few guys who’ve worked Loss Prevention and they all have stories about how many girls they’ve looked at, but very few stories of how many criminals they’ve arrested. Sorry ladies but whenever you walk into a department store, you’re being watched…

The Housewives – They’re always at the mall with their baby in a stroller while husband is at work. These are usually the women who are yelling at their kids for no apparent reason. It’s like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and you don’t want to be near it when it does. Usually, it’s the poor husband who feels the wrath when he comes home from a long day’s work and gets bitched at for something he did 7 months ago. Working in the mall for so many years, I realized the one bathroom to use was the ‘family’ bathrooms. I’d always get a dirty look from the housewives whenever I’d exit out of one of them alone. Have you ever been to a Men’s bathroom? Probably not, so don’t judge me when I want to use a clean one.

The Mall Rats – They’re usually between the ages of 13-17 and have nothing better to do. Kids in the suburbs have nothing to do expect hang out in malls or hang outside of movie theaters. They all have Justin Bieber haircuts, ripped pants and some sort of ‘chain’ hanging out of some part of their body.

The Picker Upper – This guy goes to the mall to pick up women, little does he know that unless the woman is 16, she’s probably not going to the mall to get hit on. There’s one thing every woman loves more than anything in the entire world, it’s called shopping.

The Salon Receptionist – All the dirty Picker Uppers hit on her as if somehow she is gonna fall for their perverse tactics. What kind of guy goes to the mall to look for women? News Flash Pricks, that’s what bars are for. A woman isn’t coming to the mall to get hit on by a bunch of morons. She’s there to try to shop. The Salon Receptionist isn’t smiling at your corny pickup lines because she likes them; she’s smiling at your corny pickup lines because she isn’t allowed to tell a potential customer to ‘FUCK OFF’.

The Art Dealer – This poor shmuck decided to open an Art and Frame store in the mall. Nobody goes into these stores. Who the drives to the mall to check out the new paintings in the Art and Frame store? Nobody. These stores are so out of mind that you can be standing right in front of it and someone can ask you if you know where the Art and Frame store is and your reply would be ‘what the hell is an Art and Frame store?’

Foot Locker Wigger – He hails from the mean streets of your local suburb but claims he’s from New York. This guy thinks he’s ‘hardcore’ because he listens to Lil Wayne and has 4 black friends. You’re selling me shoes asshole not cocaine stop acting like you’re Frank Lucas’ stepson. You’re not thug asshole, the most thug thing you’d done in your life while sitting in your $600,000 house is watching a Tupac rap video.

The Waiter – This guy waits outside the mall on days like Black Friday, Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, Memorial Day or whatever the hell day to get $3 off a DVD player. It’s your only day off in the last month and you’re not spending it with your family but instead you’re spending it at a mall with other morons. If your kid really wants that new toy and it’s sold out, don’t waste your time pampering him and telling him that you’re sorry, and just say they didn’t have it. If he cries and can’t accept the fact that the world doesn’t revolve around a 10 year old then you know you’ve successfully raised a pussy.

Trix Rabbit – I feel like this guy got the raw end of the deal. He’s clearly an addict and his addiction is Trix cereal. Why he chose this particular brand of cereal is beyond me. He’s the damn spokesman for the brand and a bunch of snot nosed kids are constantly telling him “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids”. If I have a son and he pulls this line on me when I’m trying to eat some Trix, I am going to bide my time and wait. I’ll wait until I catch him watching porn and go up to him and be like ‘Silly son, porn is for adults.’

Tony The Tiger – That bastard Tony the Tiger was constantly hooting and hollering about how ‘Great’ Frosted Flakes were. I think his spy ass was under contract when he lied to us about Frosted Flakes being ‘Greaaaaaaat!!’ Great? Really Tony? GREAT?! Good, maybe. But I personally think ‘great’ seems greatly exaggerated.  Don’t you think?

Cap’n Crunch – I really liked Cap’n until I realized how much of a joke he really is. This bastard is a sea captain so that means he’s probably at sea for months or even years surround by a bunch of other horny sailors. He’s had all this time to think of the perfect pick up line and the best he could come up with is ‘you and the Cap’n can make it hap’n’? That’s the best you could do Cap? COME ON MAN! You think this would work at a bar? Imagine, a guy with a blue suit telling a girl ‘you and the Cap’n can make it hap’n’. This isn’t gonna work.

Wendell – You’re probably thinking who the hell Wendell is. Wendell is that creepy old man in the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box. This son of a bitch lures poor unsuspecting children with his old man looks and delicious cereal. I’m on to you Wendell. He looks like an evil scientist who does experiments on children using dairy products and a hint of cinnamon.

Chester Cheetah – Chester went from being super cool to super creepy. I’d be terrified if I was trapped in a room with this guy. Not because he’s a Cheetah but because he’s a creep. He’s sneaking up behind unsuspecting potheads in these commercials, they should ban him. On the creepy note, what’s with these companies making all their mascots creepy? First, the Burger King and now Chester? Who are they going to make creepy next? Ronald McDonald? Oh wait…

Snap, Crackle and Pop – Or better known as Cric! Crac! Croc! in French. I feel like these idiots are related to those annoying Keebler Elves. The only good thing that came from these crackheads is those wonderful Rice Krispie Treats. Who came up with Elves anyway? Was the marketing department of Kellogg’s sitting around in their board meeting and thinking a bunch of tiny elves would be GREAT for selling rice treats? If you’re going to make mythical creatures your mascot, why not 3 Chinese midgets with Fu Manchus, wouldn’t that be better?

It’s the holiday season and I’m sure everyone is scrambling to buy a gift for a loved one. Every time, I see these commercials advertising gifts, you see the woman getting a 24 karat diamond ring and what does the guy get? We get a damn toolbox. What is this? What am I gonna do with a damn toolbox?

I am not Bob the Builder. Men like tools and paint. Who came up with this lie? This has to rank as one of the greatest lies in the history of the world. ‘Gee, thanks babe! This is the exact paint color I was looking for!’ What am I gonna do with paint? Paint my house? I don’t want to paint my house. Guys don’t care what color their houses are. You know who DOES care? Women, that’s who cares. Women buy us paint and tools and we as men are so dumb we fall for it. Seriously, I don’t even know what color my room is and IM SITTING IN IT RIGHT NOW!

 It sucks because you know women came up with the whole diamond ring thing. ‘You have to buy us a diamond ring and if you don’t we won’t be with you.’ I told a girl once that I’d never buy a diamond ring because it’s just a bunch of rich assholes exploiting poor local third world populations. Needless to say, she dumped my ass. Now, I’m a lying asshole exploiting poor girls into thinking one day I’ll buy them a diamond ring. I’m more than certain women came up with this lie about men liking tools. “Buy dad that new shovel he’s been wanting this Christmas!” I highly doubt Dad wants a shovel as his Christmas gift. Why not buy dad that new 60’’ TV? Oh, that’s right because then he won’t be fixing the roof on his day off and he’ll be watching Football on his new 60’’ TV.

I am not a carpenter. I do not know how to fix your unhinged door. In fact, I don’t even know what an unhinged door is. My door is probably unhinged RIGHT NOW. Do I care? Nope, because I have no idea what it is. So, that screwdriver you just bought me isn’t gonna do me any good because I don’t know what to do with it. How do I fix my unhinged doors? I hire someone ‘my door is unhinged, fix it, I’ll pay you’.

I haven’t wrote one of these in two years. I personally don’t find this one funny.. oh well

How is this guy charming? Dictionary.com defines charming as “1. a man who embodies a woman’s romantic ideal.

2. a man who avidly seeks the attention and affections of women; ladies’ man.“

I constantly hear women talking about how they’re waiting for their Prince Charming. Let’s take a closer look at this loser’s movie career. He appeared in two different Disney movies. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and Sleeping Beauty. I shall analyze both movies and we shall see exactly how ‘charming’ this so called Prince really is.

Snow White

Premise – It’s about some chick named Snow White. First of all, who named this chick? Hitler? The Grand Wizard of the KKK? What a racist ass name. Snow White sounds like it would be the name of an Albino pornstar. Some evil Queen had some magic mirror would ask the mirror ‘who is the fairest of them all’ and when the mirror picked Snow White, the Queen flipped shit. Leave it to a woman to find a magic mirror and worry about her looks. If a dude had found this mirror, he’d be doing all sorts of wild shit with it.

Anyway, long story short, Snow White goes to live with some midgets, which is fucking weird in its own right if you ask me. One lonely girl and seven horny midget dudes living in the woods? Seriously… no one else has cause with this? Nobody?

The Prince’s Role - Snow White passes out and along comes ‘Prince Charming’. He just happened to be riding in the woods and stumbles across a passed out girl? What is the chances of that? Seriously, this rapist was in cahoots with the evil Queen if you ask me. What does he do? He fucking rapes her that’s what. He starts making out with her WHILE she’s passed out. What do those noble dwarfs do? Nothing, they WATCH and cheer him on.

If any guy even THOUGHT this, not tried but just THOUGHT of doing such a thing, Tom Cruise would swoop down from his rope and arrest your ass Minority Report style.

Sleeping Beauty

Premise – Sleeping Beauty is in a coma and since it’s set in 1272 or whatever year it is, her parents believe the only way she can wake up is if some random guy makes out with her. The King dispatches Princes from all over the world. What kind of piece of shit father is this guy? He’s just whoring his daughter out to any pervert with a crown?

Princes were lined up for miles to get a piece of that action. I haven’t seen lines like that since 1930s footage of old Great Depression bread lines. What’s even sadder is those people waiting in the bread lines looked cleaner than these so called Princes.

The Prince’s Role – He comes outta nowhere and makes out with her. Somehow she wakes up, I don’t know I’m not a doctor but she did.

Funny thing is the guys who were waiting in line after him were PISSED. Imagine waiting in a 2 hour line and then being told to go home. Yup, I’d be pissed off too.

So how is this ‘charming’?