The Blog About Nothing

I am a hero.

I may not have superpowers other than my great powers of writing really entertaining blogs about my useless observations but I did save a man’s life. It was three weeks ago and I saw a man choking. Being the great guy I am, I went and started performing the Heimlich maneuver on him. I assumed I would do a thrust and all of a sudden whatever that was stuck in his throat would shoot across the room. That did not happen..

Thrust #1 – A lot of fluid came out of his mouth, rather disgusting. So, I asked him, ‘can you breathe now?’ He shook his head indicating ‘no’.

Thrust #2 – The piece of meat came out of his mouth. He started breathing and gasping for air like how I assume Pinocchio’s father did when he escaped that man eating whale.

The ambulance came and took him away. I did not hear from him until today. He came and told me how thankful he was that I saved his life. I couldn’t help but thinking how many times he must have cranked up Enrique Iglesias’ song ‘Hero’ and just laid back and thought of the day I was his hero. He offered me a reward for my heroic efforts. Like the humble man I am, I did not take it and told him I would do it again if I could.

Then I felt bad, I was like this poor guy went out of his way to buy me a gift and I turned it down. This is like if I was to meet my own hero Tom Brady and ask to take a picture with him and he turns me down. I’d be devastated…

I told my friend the story and he pointed out how in ancient times instead of gift cards, men would offer their daughters as a reward. ‘I bet your ass wouldn’t be pulling the no reward card then’. This is true; I picked the wrong age to be a hero, if I was living in King Arthur’s time, I would be saving people left and right. I’d probably hire bandits to kidnap the hot village girl’s father and then swoop in and save the day. I’d get the recognition and the girl. A rare win-win scenario.

In all seriousness, whatever happened to helping people because it’s the right thing to do? I helped an old lady with her groceries one day and she pulled out money to give me. I was offended; I was like ‘really, you think this is some scheme I have? I go around and help unsuspected old hags to get a $10 dollar reward?’

Yup, I am a hero.